The picture to the left is me back in 2008 & the picture to the right is back in summer 2009. I don’t know how much I weighed in the 2008 pic but in the 2009 (right) pic I was 317 lbs…which was biggest ever weighed. I’m sure I was around that # if not more in the 2008 pic.
When I look back at those pics I literally want to cry because I honestly didn’t see myself that big & I shied away from pictures so I didn’t know. Around those times I was definitely going through a lot. I was @ a job I despised and by the summer of 2009 I had lost two siblings and an aunt and my ex was the worst so I resorted to a lot of food & alcohol amongst other things to numb the pain. When in reality, I made it worse by ruining my health & my body.
I have always been a fly big girl but I wasn’t always a confident one (you wouldn’t know it talking to me though). I think thats where my having to be fly came from because I felt like I had to do more to be accepted. Because of my “other” issues, one being not good enough, I took it out on food, it helped until I looked at that stomach. So, I struggled w/ weight my whole life. Then as a child you don’t get to cook your own foods so if your home is unhealthy you will be to. Fast and processed foods was my family’s best friend, we stayed with the Big Macs and T.V. dinners. It wasn’t until I went away to college that I started to get on track with exercising and eating better. While in college, my junior-senior year I lost over 50 lbs, I went from a 24 to 18. You couldn’t tell me nothing. An 18 to me was like a person going from a 10 to a 2. I got comfortable & my head got big. I figured I didn’t need to workout anymore and honestly I was just drained. Watching what I ate should’ve been good enough or so I thought. I graduated college & came back home. The same familial habits I left were still there, I fought it for a few months but it didn’t last. I became depressed, I couldn’t find a job 10 months after graduating. How did I deal? You guessed it, I stayed eating & at the club. Don’t ask me how I paid for stuff, LOL. Finally a job, yes! Then life and all its bull took over my life. From the summer of 2007 to 2010, I experienced loss in many forms. From jobs to family members to friends to homes. All this time I didn’t realize it but food was one of my comforts. I don’t like scales, its really the # I don’t like & the realization that you’re fat as hell. I had got on the scale one day just to see and I was floored by my discovery. I was at the biggest that I have ever seen numerically. I was 317 lbs. Excuse me, I had never (that i knew of) gone over 289. Yes it does make a difference. You’re like 2 people when you hit the 3’s (my thoughts). Thats when I was like on helll naw, I have to do something. Honestly, I didn’t feel like I was over 300 lbs. I can run, I’m limber, I’m cute. Then I put current photos against photos of when I lost over 50 lbs and that did it, I saw the 300. I did get myself to the gym and had trouble sticking to a weight loss plan. I have had membership after membership, have tried diet after diet and nothing stuck. Got on Weight Watchers lost the 17 then became stuck. I would see people who “appeared” bigger than I and would tell my friends “If I ever get that big shoot me like the whale I look like”..not realizing I was Free Willy and no one said a thing other than “let’s go out to eat.”
In the earlier part of 2010 I tried P90x. Yall know the workout on crack. I did it for 90 days straight. I didn’t weigh myself the whole time I did it bc I know how I am with scales. At the end of the 3 months, I weighed in….-4. I wanted to kill the P90x man but all I could do was cry. I felt good, physically you could see the difference but that # had me shook. I stopped. No I’m not working out no more, I’m going to accept my fate of being a big girl, those were my thoughts. A friend would encourage me to continue but I was just too outdone. It was until I felt fat for the 1st time in a long time. See when I did P90x I was solid, energetic, fit. When I stopped, I felt like a sack of potatoes. When you feel fat, heavy and weigh downed that’s when you know something has to be done. Then I went to the doctor and he told me I was prediabetic. Excuse me?! Did he just say the “D” word?? Although i’ve always been a big girl my health was A1. “We’re going to put you on some pills called metformin”, says the doctor. Are you serious?!?! ..ugh I hate medicine. Needless to say, pill poppin’ didn’t last long because they made me sick.
This also came around the beginning of my transition period when once again life was taking over but this time instead of eating, I had to figure out where these “issues” were coming from. I thought about every stress(or), every emotion (happy, frustrated, sad, mad), every person, every situation in my life and how food contributed in some way. Then to continue to the added drama of life I got in a car accident (10/2010). Doc told me I couldn’t workout. Yep depressed again but this time I just didn’t eat. I told myself I will not lay on this couch with a bad back/neck and resort to food. It sucked because I really wanted to workout & I couldn’t. Oh the irony. As time progressed, I received the o.k. to walk. Its not kickboxing but its something. So January 1, 2011 @ a New Years Party a picture was taken of me. I saw it and was disgusted. I thought I was fine when I left the house but when I saw that picture I was like “I’m about to be the best walker to ever do it. I look a mess.” I’ve been walking every since, and have lost. I have to be careful when I walk because I still have back problems from the accident but it gets the job done.
I said allll of this to say, you’re not alone. If you feel that way you don’t have to be. Alot of times we don’t stay on the straight path of getting and staying healthy is because we don’t have that support system. Through everything I’ve gone through, w/ the exception of a few, I have to encourage myself. I’d be lying (read the story again) if I said it was easy, it is very hard. Especially when people around you don’t want to help you change/improve because of their own reasons and you’re the only one being healthy and others are enjoying their favorite foods and not phased by health. I have learned alot over the years and even more in these past few months and it would be selfish of me to keep it to myself. Thats not what God wants me to do. This idea of the challenge came out of the blue, but after thinking about it, and knowing what I’ve been through I know God placed it on my heart for a reason and I’m not the only person who needs the support. I’m not hardly near my final goal but just as the weight didn’t pack on overnight its not going to leave overnight and thats the most important lesson you will learn…one day at at time. I am a private person so me telling the above story is a step in the process. You have to be open, you have to be willing to improve and you have to change your perception.
Now a few years later & 260 something lbs., I’m trying to right alot of my wrongs and I just thank God for keeping me through it all. What I want to tell you all is that no matter what you are going through, you should never take it out on yourself. Being big isn’t a bad thing, celebrate who you are, I rock as a big girl, I always kept myself up that wasn’t the issue either. My health became an issue. As I stated in previous post I use to take pride in being a “healthy big girl” but when all that changed and I looked back at these pictures I had to make it up in my mind & heart that something had to change.
Its been a struggle these past few years especially, because I’ve lost weight before so I know I can do it, but to have had gained it all back and have it double that was hard. But it also makes this journey that much sweeter because now I can enjoy the transition and have it last the rest of my life versus just a few months; and I also can share it with you ‘stars’. I don’t know why God decided to put this group on my heart and frankly its none of my business, HE knows something I don’t & when its time it will be revealed but I thank HIM for it and I thank you for wanting to get better.
I pledge to do my best to be the support buddy, cheerleader and understanding, sympathetic ear that you need on YOUR side. I hope we can help one another achieve greatness and in the process build friendships. #TeamThicktoFit
**Disclaimer: I am not an expert, I am not a fitness guru. I’m just someone who has battled with weight all her life and is finally getting a hold of it and want to help others. Everyone’s body is different, every one doesn’t respond to the same things but the tips I have are general information that can help anyone in their goals of weight loss and healthy living.**
Always praying for your success,